4 months onwards

4 months onwards since my last post. 4 months. In that time I have travelled half the world and back. My initial idea of keeping a blog didn’t quite work out. But this is the thing with processing, how can you write about it when you haven’t got a clue of what’s going on? What’s all this stuff I am going through right now and how am I going to write this down? So I decided to stop. I decided to stop documenting and just experience. I even stopped taking pictures as I felt how can I experience this beauty from behind this little screen. Then a great sense of alone-ness comes with that. Nobody can feel what I feel. Taking pictures while traveling is a way to try and connect to friends and family at home, for them to understand or experience with you. But there are no images or no words that can describe the transformation I was going through.

Bali, Thailand, Brazil. Only now do I seem to process some of the magic that has happened over the last few months. I feel thrown in about all directions you can be thrown into in all aspects of life. Career, health, love, friendship, spirituality, loss. Whatever the universe is trying to tell me, I find it hard to understand. But one thing is becoming clear: my desire to understand and analyse (hello, maths teacher!!) is becoming an obstacle, and right now it seems that I should just ride that wave and trust I will stay standing.

I remember in Bali all I could think was: this is it! this is what I have been searching for! I need to be traveling ALL THE TIME! Then, in Brazil, all I could think was: this is it! This is what I have been searching for! I need to move to Brazil so I can study Silvestre technique full time and understand why I feel so drawn to this technique and how it can now help me to grow. When I came back to Brighton and started teaching again I remember thinking: this is it! I need to refocus on my job at home, my students, my dance company, rebuilding what I have worked on for the last 10 years by being at home more and working hard! Well, that is helpful… so I want to do everything all of the time, brilliant! and one thing that really is an obstacle for transformation is setting a time limit on it, that’s for sure…

What if all of the above is true and I do everything. I travel the world, I go to Brazil and I stay in Brighton all at the same time. Rather than thinking one phase of life should lead in another, why can’t I just experience all these things at the same time, and rotate them like the seasons change. That way, each time I revisit a place I can see how things are the same and how things are different from last year. All I need is some seriously good time management (hello, maths teacher!!)

I had the wonderful pleasure to stay with my friend Kathleen these past few days to teach a workshop in Devon. Being one of the ladies that knows what I am talking about, as she was with me in Brazil, it was so good to talk these past few days and help bring some clarity to all this. And the cliché saying: ‘it’s the journey, not the destination!’ takes off the pressure of understanding also. Just enjoy the ride…

As for dance, a few days ago I read some hurtful comments on one of my youtube video’s. But even though they were hurtful and my first reaction was to defend, I eventually let it go as just as the process I went through in the last few months, they were just not looking through the same lens as I was and couldn’t see what really was going on there. The times of performing purely for entertaining the audience are over. I am sorry to disappoint 🙂 There seems to be a shift happening where more and more in my dance and in other aspects of my life I want to figure out what I want, not what I think my audience, my friends, my family expect. It feels like a good place to be in right now, because again the pressure is off and I can just naturally let the process take place: in my transformation in my dance and outside. And if my audience is on that same wave I am surfing, they can join me on that journey. If not, they can watch from the side, which will just be a different experience altogether, but still an experience worth having. They’ll just be looking through a different lens.

Anyway, I am looking forward to my next trip. Rwanda is coming up in July. It will be good to be with family. I will get to meet my little brother for the first time, who’s now 1.5 years old. I get to dance with some of the best dancers in the country and experience some traditional Rwandan tribal dances. I will definitely post more on that one! and pictures this time, I promise… 🙂

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